Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
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Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.