lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
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You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
got so much cardio in today
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.