Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
You Might Also Like
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.