Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
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BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Day 2 of my diet
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.