The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
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“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Canada has crack?
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Morning my dudes.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
excuse me
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES