Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
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No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.