What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
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Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.