I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
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Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
I think I’ll stand
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.