Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
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My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
This is my bus stop.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
How do dragons blow out candles?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.