9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
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i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?