Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
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The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out