Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
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The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
incredible book dedication
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.