I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
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A drum solo but on your face.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Time for evil
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
i’m having this made into a welcome mat