Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
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My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no