Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
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[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
had to make it
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
“We will wed,” I threatened