Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
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My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
[montage of me giving-up]
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
my mom making me talk to relatives
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.