I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
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i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.