A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
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AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday