For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
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Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.