Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
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While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Not messing around
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017