Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
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I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
This is a true ally.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.