Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
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I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Well, that didn’t work.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal