[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
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“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.