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Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
That seems a conundrum…
🤔