Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
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[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.