Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
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Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
This is me
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
lmfao
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.