My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
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My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.