*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
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Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine