Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
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me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan