Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
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[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I think I’m having a stroke
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted