“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
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People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?