I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
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Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
watergate? u mean a dam??
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail