Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
You Might Also Like
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference