IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
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I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
i like to flex on them by shrugging
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY