Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
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i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?