Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
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*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
congratulations to them
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.