Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
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Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.