Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
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foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you