[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
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You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Y’all know who you are.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?