I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
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me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…