handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
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Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?