[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
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[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin