Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
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I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Terribly Tuesday.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.