Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
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[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets