mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
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Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.