Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
You Might Also Like
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
A new level of troll.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer