This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
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As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
liiiiiiiiike
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree