Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
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Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.