My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
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Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive