Go girl power!
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Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
This took me a second..
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
felt that
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
*seductively eats two tums*
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop